THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

I once asked a marriage counselor, “What one thing do all happy couples have in common?”
He answered, “Parity.”

Meaning one spouse’s needs, wants, and opinions aren’t more important than the other spouse’s.

I found this fascinating from the point of view of a serial wife. Let me pause here to confess I’ve been married more than once (or twice, but who’s counting?). Happily wed to my current and forever husband (we’re celebrating our 25th anniversary next month), I sometimes forget this fact. My exes have for the most part faded into the woodwork of my history. But when I think about it, the one thing my previous marriages all had in common was lack of parity.

I’m not naming names or throwing anyone under the bus here. My previous marriages were unhappy for a variety of reasons. But respect, or rather lack thereof, was a common theme. Reminds me of an argument I once had with my then spouse. He complained that we didn’t socialize enough. I felt overwhelmed by our social commitments. The cocktail parties and dinner parties we’d hosted (with me doing all the planning and cooking). The last-minute dinner guests. The evenings out with other couples or clients. The family and religious occasions with their casts of thousands. I was exhausted. When I tried to get him to see it from my point of view, he looked at me like I had two heads. He asked, “Does this mean I should pencil you in for doubles tennis this weekend?”

My husband Sandy knows if he ever booked us for a social commitment without consulting me he’d be on his own, or making his apologies. Not that he ever would. He respects me too much Nor does he feel my time is his to relegate, even if it’s time I planned to spend in my PJs binge-watching “The Great British Baking Show” after work. He recognizes that we have different needs and energy levels. What he gets out of it is that if he wants to go out on his own, he’ll never hear a murmur of complaint from me. Usually, he wants to be with me, which is great but entirely his choice.

I don’t know whether someone with multiple marriages is qualified to give marital advice or the best person to give said advice. But take it from one who’s taken more than one trip to the altar: The secret to a happy marriage is to give as much as you take and do it on a level playing field.