My son is homeless.
I don’t have an address for him. My calls go straight to his voicemail. I hear from him only when he’s someplace where he can get his phone charged. I don’t know how much longer he’ll even have a phone. I don’t know whether he’s hungry or cold or safe. He’s on the streets in the time of COVID, unprotected. The last time I spoke with him, he told me he’d been beat up. Sleeping on the sidewalk one night, he was woken by someone kicking him.
He ignored my tearful entreaties that he go to the halfway house he stayed at before where he can get help. “Mom, don’t worry, I’m fine,” he insisted. Because that’s what mentally ill people do. They say they’re fine when they’re not because that’s what they believe. Just like they believe the doctors are wrong and they don’t need to be on meds. Months ago when Michael told me he’d stopped taking his meds shortly after he’d been released from state care, having been under the conservatorship of the state of California for some years, my heart sank. I begged him to go back on his meds. He insisted he didn’t need them. I became alarmed. Because I knew. I knew it was only a matter of time before the other shoe dropped. He’d been homeless before. Soon he would be homeless again.
Sadly, my prediction came true.
It’s the mother’s heartache no mother imagines. When I cradled my infant son in my arms after he was born prematurely, the sense of responsibility I felt for this tiny person who was utterly dependent on me was overwhelming and scary. Yet at the same time it was empowering, knowing I was the hand shaping the clay of my child’s formative years. Sure, we mothers worry about the things we can’t control. We worry our child might become seriously ill or injured. We worry about the kind of human being they’ll grow up to be. We teach them to eat right, brush their teeth after every meal, abide by the rules of safety, and to be a good person. After they leave the nest, we hope we did enough, taught them enough, and that some of those lessons stuck.
But there’s nothing in the Parents’ Handbook that tells you how to deal with an adult child who’s been diagnosed with a mental illness, in my son’s case, schizoaffective disorder. There’s no DIY YouTube video for how to fix a mentally ill adult child or get them into treatment after they’ve chosen to ignore medical advice. For me there’s only the list of things tried and failed. Here’s what I know:
You can’t fix it yourself.
You can’t fix it by throwing money at it. (This is a rabbit hole I’ve been down many, many times before in paying for rehabs, housing, treatments, etc., all of which were only stopgap measures.)
You can’t fix it, period. (There is no cure. There is only medication to control the symptoms.)
Here’s what I’ve learned:
You can’t control the situation, but you can control how you respond to it. You can be realistic about what to expect while at the same time hoping for the best. You can love your damaged child unconditionally even when your overriding emotion is the desire to fix them.
You can pray to a Higher Power.
You can give yourself permission not to let it destroy your life when your adult child goes off the rails. I focus instead on what’s good in my life and the goals that are attainable. I reach for the joy that is within reach. I give myself permission to be happy without feeling like it somehow makes me a bad mother to be happy while my son is homeless. I have a husband and a daughter; they need me too. I have a life, and I can’t afford to waste a minute of it—I’m not getting any younger.
I hold close the words of the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I trust in the kindness of strangers. For every mean-hearted stranger who’d kick a homeless person while they’re sleeping, there are kind strangers who give them food or money. Who loan them their phone so they can call home.
Next time you see a homeless person on the street, remember he or she is someone’s child.
He might be my child.
My heart breaks for you & your family. This reminds me of the story of Danielle Steel’s son. I have an 18 year old child that suffers from mental illness too and though it is not the same illness it still dictates my whole families life at times. Thankfully she is young & still allows me to dispense her meds but I worry all the time that when she’s older she won’t take them and she won’t be able to function without them. My thoughts are with you & your family. Hopes for peaceful times ahead for you. I find that’s what I’m always wishing for…peaceful times in life.
Thank you, Kristin! When dealing with the mentally ill, we can only take it one day at a time. I hope your daughter continues to do well. Many people with mental illness do. I also hope and pray for a good outcome for my son. We moms gotta hang together, right?
Well, this is going to set the tone for my day. The first email that I read when I reach for my phone as I woke up today. The message, live this and all days with an open heart. 💗
It makes me feel good to know I connected with so many beautiful, kind people like you in sharing my story.
What a moving and enlightening story. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and daily prayers.
Bless you! I need all the prayers I can get.
Many will identify with this story. Your advice shows strength of faith and character.
Thank you, Patricia. I only hope to enlighten others about the plight of many homeless people by sharing my story.
This certainly resonated with me, a mother an addict who lived in a park and in jail…on the wintry streets of Colorado. But, I am lucky. My story has a happy ending… I wish I could share that luck with you. Bless you.
That’s so good to know your story has a happy ending. I will take hope from it! Bless you.
Very powerful reminder that I will always remember
This is truly heartbreaking… also gives a new perspective on these poor souls. Many, I’m sure, with loving, heartbroken
families…
If I can shine a light, even a small one, on the plight of many homeless people, my work here is done.
You could not have said this any more openly, honestly, succinctly, and lovingly. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, my love! Ditto what I replied to Meri. I love you so much and couldn’t get through any of the hard things in my life without you.
Heartbreaking, indeed. There seem to be other extremes with our adult children needing mental health care. Mine believes whatever the doctor tells and prescribes. Often causing adverse reactions from overdosing. I am sure there are other stories out there too.
You’re lucky your child takes his or her meds. Would that they all did! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Knowing you the way I do, there is no doubt you love your son with all your heart and soul and the best mother you can be. Like you said, there is only so much you can control. It makes me so sad, but you are so wise and strong. I love you.
I love you! Truly, I couldn’t get through this or any of the other hard things in my life without you and my other kind, brave, gorgeous and loving friends. <3
I’m so very sorry to hear this. Somehow I had thought things had gotten better with him. Well, I guess they did for awhile. I’ll keep him in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you, Janet. With mental illness, as I’m sure you know, it goes in cycles. Many mentally ill people do well while they’re on meds. Once they go off their meds, it’s a different story. I’ve been through this before. I hope and pray Michael will get picked up and put back into the system.
Thank you for sharing! Prayers for your son!
Much appreciated!
Your story tears at my heart strings. I wish I could help in some way. I hope your sharing will make people cognizant of the issues people suffer. My prayers to your son and to you and your family. 🙏❤️
Thank you, Judy! You’re so kind. Truly, I couldn’t get through this without the kindness of others. I believe there are angels who walk this Earth and they will look out for my son.
My thoughts and prayers are with your son and your family. My heart aches for you. I have an only son who has an addiction problem (gambling which has also turned into drinking); our family has been through alot this past year and we are hopeful he is on his way to recovery (without going for help – says he can do it on his own so we only hope he can fix this). As mothers, we only want the absolute best for our kids and it is so very hard watching them and wanting to fix it but only they can take the steps to do that. Mental health is also in my family and there are many struggling with it – but you are right – we have to continue living our lives but be there for them. Take care and continue to be strong.
I’m so sorry about your son, Diane! No wonder you can relate to my struggles with my son. It’s so, so hard to deal with a mentally ill family member (In addition to my son’s, I have an older sister who’s schizophrenic).All we can do is hope and pray God will watch over them. I will keep you in you thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much for commenting on my post.