BETWIXT & BETWEEN

I’m currently homeless. Sort of. I have a roof over my head. I’m living at my temporary digs in Sacramento. My belongings from our New York apartment are on a moving van, headed West. Meanwhile, our new home sits empty awaiting our planned remodel. It’s exciting. It’s also unsettling. I’m a nester, and us nesters need to…well, nest. At least a dozen times a day I think, “Now where did I put that?” before remembering it’s something that’s on the van in transit or back in New York. All I have is what I could fit into my suitcase and what I ordered online. It’s a strange feeling. Even knowing I’m working toward the goal of a feathered nest for when Sandy retires from his TV job.

I’m the project manager, you see. Which is why I’m here ahead of Sandy. It’s up to me to crack the whip and make design choices. Last week, I was debating whether to go with a dishwasher or extra storage space in the kitchen. I rarely use the dishwasher in our NYC condo, being as it’s usually just the two of us, therefore easier to wash by hand. And I have a LOT of kitchen equipment, being a cook and a baker. I ended up going with a dishwasher because…when you need one, you need one.

Just heard from my contractor, who reports his cabinetmaker is booked through the end of the year. Grrrr…a delay I wasn’t expecting. This will be my life for coming months, I expect. Delay after delay, culminating in begging and bribes in the form of baked goods. But, hey, luxury problems, right?

Meanwhile, I’m homeless. Did I mention that? Every day I’m reminded of it. And notice I haven’t mentioned missing my hubby. That’s because I can’t talk about it without getting choked up. I miss him terribly. Separation will be hard even with our planned trips back and forth. We talk on the phone every day, but I miss feeling his arms around me and waking to the sight of his head on the pillow next to mine. I know I will see him soon, but still…it’s hard being apart from him for an extended period.

Home is where the heart is, as they say. It’s not about where I lay my head at night or where I park my Cuisinart. As I walk through the rooms of my currently empty home, I picture myself having my morning tea in the breakfast nook with the sun shining through the windows, or relaxing in the backyard on a nice day, taking the air. Or writing in my office overlooking the backyard. In my fantasies of our new home, Sandy is with me. We are together. We are one.

The rosebushes at our new home are still in bloom. I picked a rosebud the other day when I was there. I placed in a vase of water when I returned to my rental. Over the next few days, it bloomed, perfuming the air with its fragrance, a daily reminder of the beauty surrounding me and in my life.